Jan 28, 2025
Everything Possible, Nothing Decided
8
- minute read
8
- minute read
personal
This is the first part of a story series about my year of 2025.
2025 has been a year of huge expansion: spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. I am writing the last word with a bit of skepticism as the scale moved up and down throughout the year, but hey, I could do machine leg press with 100 kg of plates, so that’s something! And did a 42 hours long water fast – whether that’s a physical or a mental achievement, I leave it to your judgement.
I don’t like to compare a year to previous years or my year to others’ years.
We move through a lot, things that happen to us happen to us for a reason.
I believe how life works is some wicked algorythm where free will and some kind of destiny is beautifully woven together. Therefore, I believe what happens is there to teach us. It happens not just to us but for us. While I also don’t deny that sometimes it’s simply our own free will (replace it as you please: stupidity, stubbornness, us not willing to learn a lesson for the hundredth time) that brings us into situations where we don’t want to be and that were not meant to be. Where the universe really pushed us to choose otherwise,
but free will is free will and each of us has our own rhythm to arrive to certain decisions, to reach certain milestones and to let certain things go.
How magical is this free will we’ve got, right?
This is the first part of a story series about my year of 2025.
2025 has been a year of huge expansion: spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. I am writing the last word with a bit of skepticism as the scale moved up and down throughout the year, but hey, I could do machine leg press with 100 kg of plates, so that’s something! And did a 42 hours long water fast – whether that’s a physical or a mental achievement, I leave it to your judgement.
I don’t like to compare a year to previous years or my year to others’ years.
We move through a lot, things that happen to us happen to us for a reason.
I believe how life works is some wicked algorythm where free will and some kind of destiny is beautifully woven together. Therefore, I believe what happens is there to teach us. It happens not just to us but for us. While I also don’t deny that sometimes it’s simply our own free will (replace it as you please: stupidity, stubbornness, us not willing to learn a lesson for the hundredth time) that brings us into situations where we don’t want to be and that were not meant to be. Where the universe really pushed us to choose otherwise,
but free will is free will and each of us has our own rhythm to arrive to certain decisions, to reach certain milestones and to let certain things go.
How magical is this free will we’ve got, right?
This is the first part of a story series about my year of 2025.
2025 has been a year of huge expansion: spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. I am writing the last word with a bit of skepticism as the scale moved up and down throughout the year, but hey, I could do machine leg press with 100 kg of plates, so that’s something! And did a 42 hours long water fast – whether that’s a physical or a mental achievement, I leave it to your judgement.
I don’t like to compare a year to previous years or my year to others’ years.
We move through a lot, things that happen to us happen to us for a reason.
I believe how life works is some wicked algorythm where free will and some kind of destiny is beautifully woven together. Therefore, I believe what happens is there to teach us. It happens not just to us but for us. While I also don’t deny that sometimes it’s simply our own free will (replace it as you please: stupidity, stubbornness, us not willing to learn a lesson for the hundredth time) that brings us into situations where we don’t want to be and that were not meant to be. Where the universe really pushed us to choose otherwise,
but free will is free will and each of us has our own rhythm to arrive to certain decisions, to reach certain milestones and to let certain things go.
How magical is this free will we’ve got, right?
January started off strangely for me. Going to bed after a NYE party in London, wishing for a cozy snuggly cuddly day under the blanket and my man was off to do Uber driving. As it was that day of the year when this could bring the most money (considering NYE and one of the biggest windstorms swiping through the city).
Fine. Makes total sense. At the same time, disappointment kicked in. The misalignment between expectation and reality. I stayed under the blanket alone then, listening to the whistling wind, not being able to sleep much.
When he came back in the afternoon, he brought me flowers and chocolate and that made me feel like I really mattered and we just talked through the rest of that day. It was a lovely afternoon.
He was not officially my man at that time yet. We had been seeing each other for 8 months - but we only became a couple in mid January.
I was so excited! After 3 years of living the single life and doing tremendous inner work, I found someone who I could love and who could love me back. This meant a lot of time spent in London during the first few months of 2025. And it brought a lot of joy (and a lot of turbulence as well).
I’d been living in a nice apartment in Prague for about 5 months at that time. One rainy day in January, my landlady sent me a message that she wanted to end the lease - even though my contract was expiring only in August. I felt like the rug was pulled out from under my feet. I’ve just moved in! And it was so much hassle!
I was shocked, devastated, confused and angry at the same time. Then I calmed down and opportunities started to pop up like mushrooms after the rain.
Suddenly, there was a job opening at my workplace in the office close to London. And then there was another opportunity: they wanted to send someone from our team on an 18 months long assignment to the US. And in the midst of everything, it also crossed my mind to just spend a few months living with my family back in Budapest. I spent weeks weighing all the options and in the end, I applied to the position in London. And as I did, even more opportunities opened up where to stay if I get that job. A friend in London had an available apartment and another person I knew just moved in to a community space that had some openings as well. So many options! Once I chose my path, things started to align in my favor, it seemed.
I haven’t heard back regarding the job for a long time. One night, we baked space cookies and just a tiny bite from the dough sent me to outer space.
January started off strangely for me. Going to bed after a NYE party in London, wishing for a cozy snuggly cuddly day under the blanket and my man was off to do Uber driving. As it was that day of the year when this could bring the most money (considering NYE and one of the biggest windstorms swiping through the city).
Fine. Makes total sense. At the same time, disappointment kicked in. The misalignment between expectation and reality. I stayed under the blanket alone then, listening to the whistling wind, not being able to sleep much.
When he came back in the afternoon, he brought me flowers and chocolate and that made me feel like I really mattered and we just talked through the rest of that day. It was a lovely afternoon.
He was not officially my man at that time yet. We had been seeing each other for 8 months - but we only became a couple in mid January.
I was so excited! After 3 years of living the single life and doing tremendous inner work, I found someone who I could love and who could love me back. This meant a lot of time spent in London during the first few months of 2025. And it brought a lot of joy (and a lot of turbulence as well).
I’d been living in a nice apartment in Prague for about 5 months at that time. One rainy day in January, my landlady sent me a message that she wanted to end the lease - even though my contract was expiring only in August. I felt like the rug was pulled out from under my feet. I’ve just moved in! And it was so much hassle!
I was shocked, devastated, confused and angry at the same time. Then I calmed down and opportunities started to pop up like mushrooms after the rain.
Suddenly, there was a job opening at my workplace in the office close to London. And then there was another opportunity: they wanted to send someone from our team on an 18 months long assignment to the US. And in the midst of everything, it also crossed my mind to just spend a few months living with my family back in Budapest. I spent weeks weighing all the options and in the end, I applied to the position in London. And as I did, even more opportunities opened up where to stay if I get that job. A friend in London had an available apartment and another person I knew just moved in to a community space that had some openings as well. So many options! Once I chose my path, things started to align in my favor, it seemed.
I haven’t heard back regarding the job for a long time. One night, we baked space cookies and just a tiny bite from the dough sent me to outer space.
January started off strangely for me. Going to bed after a NYE party in London, wishing for a cozy snuggly cuddly day under the blanket and my man was off to do Uber driving. As it was that day of the year when this could bring the most money (considering NYE and one of the biggest windstorms swiping through the city).
Fine. Makes total sense. At the same time, disappointment kicked in. The misalignment between expectation and reality. I stayed under the blanket alone then, listening to the whistling wind, not being able to sleep much.
When he came back in the afternoon, he brought me flowers and chocolate and that made me feel like I really mattered and we just talked through the rest of that day. It was a lovely afternoon.
He was not officially my man at that time yet. We had been seeing each other for 8 months - but we only became a couple in mid January.
I was so excited! After 3 years of living the single life and doing tremendous inner work, I found someone who I could love and who could love me back. This meant a lot of time spent in London during the first few months of 2025. And it brought a lot of joy (and a lot of turbulence as well).
I’d been living in a nice apartment in Prague for about 5 months at that time. One rainy day in January, my landlady sent me a message that she wanted to end the lease - even though my contract was expiring only in August. I felt like the rug was pulled out from under my feet. I’ve just moved in! And it was so much hassle!
I was shocked, devastated, confused and angry at the same time. Then I calmed down and opportunities started to pop up like mushrooms after the rain.
Suddenly, there was a job opening at my workplace in the office close to London. And then there was another opportunity: they wanted to send someone from our team on an 18 months long assignment to the US. And in the midst of everything, it also crossed my mind to just spend a few months living with my family back in Budapest. I spent weeks weighing all the options and in the end, I applied to the position in London. And as I did, even more opportunities opened up where to stay if I get that job. A friend in London had an available apartment and another person I knew just moved in to a community space that had some openings as well. So many options! Once I chose my path, things started to align in my favor, it seemed.
I haven’t heard back regarding the job for a long time. One night, we baked space cookies and just a tiny bite from the dough sent me to outer space.
I was tripping hard for 40 hours. Probably the longest and toughest psychedelic journey of my life. Firstly, I was not expecting it at all after the small amount I had, secondly the effects were so harsh on my body that I remember I kept repeating the sentence: „This is not the day when I die. This is not the day when I die.”
I was floating in outer space and jumped into other timelines – other versions of my life. In all versions we were there lying on the bed together with my man – just as in the lived reality. But in all lives we were different versions of ourselves. The common denominator was that it didn’t work between us in any of the lives. We were together, but not happily together. At moments during that trip I had full ego dissolution. I didn’t remember my name, didn’t remember who I was, how I looked, where I was. My soul was wandering somewhere far away – at least this is how it felt – while my body was shivering on the bed, on the verge of dehydration. Still to this day, I don’t understand how that bite of dough brought me to this astral travel-like experience, but I stopped looking for explanations. It showed me what I had to see.
I was tripping hard for 40 hours. Probably the longest and toughest psychedelic journey of my life. Firstly, I was not expecting it at all after the small amount I had, secondly the effects were so harsh on my body that I remember I kept repeating the sentence: „This is not the day when I die. This is not the day when I die.”
I was floating in outer space and jumped into other timelines – other versions of my life. In all versions we were there lying on the bed together with my man – just as in the lived reality. But in all lives we were different versions of ourselves. The common denominator was that it didn’t work between us in any of the lives. We were together, but not happily together. At moments during that trip I had full ego dissolution. I didn’t remember my name, didn’t remember who I was, how I looked, where I was. My soul was wandering somewhere far away – at least this is how it felt – while my body was shivering on the bed, on the verge of dehydration. Still to this day, I don’t understand how that bite of dough brought me to this astral travel-like experience, but I stopped looking for explanations. It showed me what I had to see.
I was tripping hard for 40 hours. Probably the longest and toughest psychedelic journey of my life. Firstly, I was not expecting it at all after the small amount I had, secondly the effects were so harsh on my body that I remember I kept repeating the sentence: „This is not the day when I die. This is not the day when I die.”
I was floating in outer space and jumped into other timelines – other versions of my life. In all versions we were there lying on the bed together with my man – just as in the lived reality. But in all lives we were different versions of ourselves. The common denominator was that it didn’t work between us in any of the lives. We were together, but not happily together. At moments during that trip I had full ego dissolution. I didn’t remember my name, didn’t remember who I was, how I looked, where I was. My soul was wandering somewhere far away – at least this is how it felt – while my body was shivering on the bed, on the verge of dehydration. Still to this day, I don’t understand how that bite of dough brought me to this astral travel-like experience, but I stopped looking for explanations. It showed me what I had to see.
I remember lying in his bed the next couple of days, while he was working. Realizing that I put so much pressure on him and on myself with the idea of moving. That I was not ready to give up my life in Prague. On the other hand, the seed of giving up this relationship was planted in me and slowly growing bigger and bigger.
After months of in-between, months of uncertainty whether I would move or not, I felt my truth: I was not ready to relocate.
At that time, I still haven’t heard back from HR so I messaged them and asked about the job. They said my application was declined. A coincidence? I don’t think so. The universe kept that job there for me until I made my decision. Whether or not that was to move to London. It was entirely up to me. I felt relief. Sadness and relief.
I truly love and respect this man, I find him a wonderful person and we are still friends. However, our expectations and ideas around relationship were so different, we couldn’t make it work as a couple. I was disappointed and angry. But I was off to a new adventure – my somatic alignment training in Düsseldorf.
To be continued.
I remember lying in his bed the next couple of days, while he was working. Realizing that I put so much pressure on him and on myself with the idea of moving. That I was not ready to give up my life in Prague. On the other hand, the seed of giving up this relationship was planted in me and slowly growing bigger and bigger.
After months of in-between, months of uncertainty whether I would move or not, I felt my truth: I was not ready to relocate.
At that time, I still haven’t heard back from HR so I messaged them and asked about the job. They said my application was declined. A coincidence? I don’t think so. The universe kept that job there for me until I made my decision. Whether or not that was to move to London. It was entirely up to me. I felt relief. Sadness and relief.
I truly love and respect this man, I find him a wonderful person and we are still friends. However, our expectations and ideas around relationship were so different, we couldn’t make it work as a couple. I was disappointed and angry. But I was off to a new adventure – my somatic alignment training in Düsseldorf.
To be continued.
I remember lying in his bed the next couple of days, while he was working. Realizing that I put so much pressure on him and on myself with the idea of moving. That I was not ready to give up my life in Prague. On the other hand, the seed of giving up this relationship was planted in me and slowly growing bigger and bigger.
After months of in-between, months of uncertainty whether I would move or not, I felt my truth: I was not ready to relocate.
At that time, I still haven’t heard back from HR so I messaged them and asked about the job. They said my application was declined. A coincidence? I don’t think so. The universe kept that job there for me until I made my decision. Whether or not that was to move to London. It was entirely up to me. I felt relief. Sadness and relief.
I truly love and respect this man, I find him a wonderful person and we are still friends. However, our expectations and ideas around relationship were so different, we couldn’t make it work as a couple. I was disappointed and angry. But I was off to a new adventure – my somatic alignment training in Düsseldorf.
To be continued.
